It is official: so far, this week has sucked enough that I want to stay in bed under my duvet, with tea and lemon-curd toast and the new Springsteen album on repeat.
Office: Right, we know this secondment role is so that you can fill in the gaps on the project that usually lead to all sorts of horrendous problems when left unfilled, but don’t fill in all the gaps. But you have to guess which ones to act on, and which ones to ignore so that horrible problems develop, but then you’ll have to sort out the horrible problems and explain why there are horrible problems when the whole point of you being there is to prevent them. ‘K?
Me: Gotcha. I’m going straight home now so I can check the job boards, while drinking wine with a straw from the bottle. I mean, I could take a paycut, right? Factor in the higher tax rate, if I earned a few thou less but was also taxed less, it could even out… Is The Gap hiring…? Mmm, folding…
(Essential background to this is the information that parking spots in Oxford are rarer than unicorns; public parking is massively expensive and inconvenient.)
Me: Hi, parking spot lessor? There’s a Porsche in my parking spot again. Could you sort that out please, ‘cos I know you said it was free and easy parking but when I parked in another spot I got a note on my car.
Parking spot lessor: Sure, I’m really sorry.
[A couple of hours later]
Parking spot lessor: So, the Porsche is actually my landlord parking in my spot because he knows I don’t have a car, and I didn’t know he was going to do that. So, I can give you this month’s rent back?
Me: [Edvard Munch style silent scream]
…time passes… later on Tuesday…
Me: Huh, I’m kind of itching and hey, look, the cats have been scratching a bit more lately. Fleas? Do they have fleas? Is my house infested with fleas? Ok, now all of me itches. Fleas!
[Shoos cats out, sprays entire house with toxic, environmentally hateful flea killer, washes all fabrics at top temperature]
Me: Ok, at least that’s done. Tomorrow I can get Frontline from the vets. Now I can just sit and have another cup of… what’s that noise? Belle, what are you…? Is that a tail under the fridge? Put the shrew down, honey.