Ageing practically

We were at the hospital with my mother again on Friday night. She’s fine, she’s home now, before anyone worries. My stepfather was with her and I turned up to provide additional support and tell the story properly as he can’t be relied on to give the appropriate details. So my sister, who usually handles all the medical scenarios, had called me. Eventually, my mum was admitted overnight and I drove my stepfather home and finally got in myself at around midnight.

As I head into another break up out of whatever, strange, intermediate relationship status this currently is, I realised that if I were in a similar situation, most likely there won’t be anyone turning up at a hospital to look after me. That’s not self-pity, but there really isn’t anyone fulfilling the role of husband or daughter in my life and based on life experience to date, it would be fucking madness to assume that the future will look any different. I’m quite comfortable on my own and although my friends are busily reassuring me that ‘You’ll meet someone else,’ my primary response at the moment is ‘Why?’ On the off chance that they’ll be around if I have any health scares does not seem like much of a reason.

Much better, I think, to look at the situation pragmatically. Aside from the huge unknowns, which I cannot predict and for which I can’t plan, there are some steps that can be taken.

  1. For the whatevernth time, I have to get back to exercising. Which I’ve known, but seeing my parents wheeze their way through a few steps really brings it home. My stepfather’s refrain is ‘It’s all due to getting old’, but I know it doesn’t have to be.
  2. I realised I can’t become one of those people who doesn’t know how to do stuff. Whatever the equivalent in my senior years is of internet banking or dealing with utility company screw ups, or fixing the computer, I’ll have to be able to handle it. This is bad news, given my propensity to hate dealing with that shit already. On the other hand, if there isn’t anyone else to do it, necessity will damn well have to become a virtue.
  3. I’ll have to use what is available to my advantage. So, let’s assume that the IoT has moved beyond just a selection of pointless, hackable tat in the next 20 years. With that, and whatever wearable tech is around, I presume I’ll be able to pay for a service that will remotely monitor my health and take action if I collapse somewhere. That’s going to have to be outside the home as well, but we’ll all be geotagged by then anyway. At the very least.
  4. Chuck money at the problem. Tricky one, as I don’t have any, but if there are any tattered remnants of the NHS left, there will most likely need to be some private options filling the gaps as well. I have to think about this one.

This is turning into a year of real adulting. I can’t look ahead with pre-regret to the situation that my own choices are likely to bring about. But I do have to think and plan now, because being old is no longer unimaginable.

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Adventures in exercise

The badge holders will be rolling their eyes at this point and saying ‘Here we go again.’ But no! This is not yet another post about how I hate exercise and have failed to keep running. This is the first post about something that seems to be working. I know, right? I’m as surprised as you are.

The backstory: injured shoulder, dodgy foot, lack of time, lots of travel/driving, total inertia. That was most of last year, and the weight crept on. I don’t know if anyone else noticed and I don’t care, because the point is I knew and it did my existing body dysmorphia no good at all.

A friend of mine who had a rough year had decided to become a coach for Beachbody.com and in desperation, I decided I needed a fitness intervention. I asked for her recommendation and she suggested the site. (I don’t love the name, because basically, way to get a beach body: take your body to the beach.) But setting that to one side,  I find myself a subscriber to said site, with a newly minted workout habit of five days out of seven. I think, but I’m not actually counting.  My friend is my coach, so she keeps me accountable, without giving me a hard time when I forget to dry my workout gear and opt for chips and wine instead.

I decided not to buy a load of kit before I knew if I’d stick to the plan, so I did the first 21 day programme using my trusty tins of Heinz as weights. At the end of 21 days, even without paying any attention to the accompanying food plan or replacing meals with protein shakes, I’d lost a few pounds and a muffin top. I think, but I don’t do before and after pictures, so this is based on how my clothes fit and how I feel.

The weird thing is, I don’t hate it. There’s a ton of stuff that is only half an hour, and although I am fabulous at making excuses for myself, I cannot excuse myself out of fitting in half an hour. Or 25 minutes. It is mostly HIT stuff, so it’s effective and it’s tough. I staggered through those workouts, I did the modified versions, I simply laughed at the number of pushups they expect. But I did some, and then I did more.

The fact that my clothes fit better is great; a few items that I’ve been overlooking for months are now back in rotation. But better than that, I’m sleeping more, have more energy, can stay up later and generally feel all round better. I know we all know the benefits of exercise. But it’s really easy for those benefits to look a long way away, while the sofa is very close at hand. It took me the best part of a year to get to the turning point where I knew I needed to close that gap.

So of course I kept going. Now I have weights, sliders, resistance bands and a new yoga mat… I still don’t like working out in the morning and there are plenty of days when I don’t want to at all. But I do, anyway, because, c’mon, half an hour. I allow myself to play what I think of as my joker card once a week, usually when I’ve somehow screwed up my evening schedule. There is no guilt, and I haven’t failed, because I’m taking it one day at at time and life happens.

I’m not saying ‘Hey everyone, Beachbody is awesome, you should totally subscribe!’ I am saying, if you’re thinking you’d like to do more exercise but it feels like a really hard thing to make happen, it doesn’t have to be. That’s all.

Life lessons

So, Charlie-with-the-broken-leg is now out of his cage and under house arrest. It’s been a week so far and I can see him getting stronger every day: he’s gone from limping a little and being uncertain about some jumps, to bounding wherever he feels like. He got out one night by going through an open window and down a sheer, 8 foot wall. A couple of hours later, at the sound of the snack packet, he came racing across the lawn to me.

He’s got another 10 days in the house before he’ll be back at the vets to have the pin removed from his leg. Then normal life will resume. I’m looking forward to that, as he’ll be so much happier being allowed outside; but he’s taken to following me around and I’ll miss my little shadow.

Meanwhile, my other cat barely comes in the house because she no longer recognises Charlie. When I do lure her in, usually with food, she’ll tolerate him for as long as it takes her to eat, then resume growling before making for the nearest exit. I’m hoping the trade off for seeing less of Charlie will be that Belle feels comfortable in the house again.

With all this cat care going on, I’ve been at home a lot more. I haven’t done any overnight stays away and I’ve been working from home as much as I can. I’m at my laptop by 8am latest, but as everyone who gets to skip their commute knows, you get to sleep in, do a fuller day’s work and still have more of an evening. So for me, despite working longer days, it’s felt like something of a holiday simply because I only recharge by being at home.

I hadn’t realised the extent to which I had gotten into the habit of looking at the various locations ahead of me during my week and thinking ‘Just got to get through it.’ Or the extent to which a constant low level of tiredness and stress was delimiting my ability to relax in what felt like very limited time in my house. The balance was off and although I knew some of the negative effects, I hadn’t appreciated all of them. There’s a pretty long list:

  1. Not getting time for lunch at work, so 3pm lunches of popcorn and granola bars, plus too tired to cook proper evening meals.
  2. Not drinking enough water
  3. Drinking too much tea, I think, and therefore over-caffeinated and twitchy
  4. Plus tired and unable to concentrate properly, so too much time on my phone
  5. Therefore internet shopping and then wondering where my money goes
  6. Not enough exercise
  7. A bit of not-exercising guilt
  8. General sense of should be doing something but failing to tackle any of the above because tired and lazy

And the big one, not feeling as though I had any time. Which is different to not actually having time: if I had any time at all to read Popsugar then I certainly had time to make decent food or practice yoga. It just didn’t feel that way because I had trapped myself in an apathetic circle of lethargy.

Now, I am definitely busier when I’m commuting, and I had been spending a couple of nights away a week. So it wasn’t all perception. But the situation wasn’t as bad as I thought it was, either. It’s just taken a bit of critical distance for me to be able to reassess the situation. I’ll have to get back to a more normal working pattern, but there are still steps I can take to keep some balance:

  1. More driving, fewer hotel stays. Not that more miles on the road is ideal, ideal but it’s the necessary swap for me to be at home where I can relax.
  2. Less time on my phone. I don’t think it’s a smartphone addiction, I think it’s a lazy habit (I can stop any time). Right now, I’m not sure where my phone is, but it’s definitely not within arm’s reach.
  3. Yoga. I’ve found a great yoga studio about half an hour away, and I’ve been trying to go to at least one class a week. I’m going to try to start a home practice, which is something I’ve never been successful with before.
  4. Water. I don’t understand why I struggle with this one so much. I spent Monday with a self-induced dehydration headache and it’s still hovering in the background, waiting to come back if I’m not careful. I can drink tea by the bucket but even with a water bottle on my desk, I can fail to take a single sip. I know all the benefits, I know from experience that I feel better if I’m hydrated (no shit, Sherlock) so why am I punishing myself? Argh.

So that’s kind of my promise to myself. Nothing huge there and yet, in small ways, life changing.

In which I fail the TBR dare. And buy books. And then read them.

So. Two blog posts ago, I excitedly signed up to the TBR dare and dug out the books that have been kicking around for a while unread.

In January, I re-read three books, faffed around online, paced the house and felt generally restless and ill at ease. The unread books remained steadfastly unread, and instead loomed at me accusingly from the window ledge.

Turns out that there’s a reason why they’re unread. It’s not that I never want to read them, it’s just that I especially don’t want to read them when they’re my only choice. But not reading anything makes me stressed and miserable and aimless.

So I did the only sensible thing and hit Blackwell’s, waving my account card triumphantly and to hell with the bill. (Which won’t turn up for a couple of months anyway because one of the endearing quirks of the account card is it runs so far in arrears and the statements are so impenetrable that I  basically never have a clue how much I’ve spent or when the amount will leave my bank account. As a result of which, I don’t bother checking.)

Anyway. I bought a lovely stack of books and I have read:

Watch Her Disappear by Eva Dolan. This is the fourth in the Zigic and Ferreira series and deals with the murder of a transgender woman. I like the concept of the Hate Crimes Unit, it’s a nice device for Dolan to explore less ordinary murders. This one explores the trans community a bit, sympathetically overall and without reduction to stereotypes. The perspective on the murdered woman, Corinne, shifts around as well. Of course she’s a victim, but as more information comes to light and the witness interviews mount up, it becomes clear that she could be very unpleasant.

Since the last book, Zigic’s wife has had another baby, and Ferreira has moved into what appears to be a grotty flat and is having an affair with a superior. But by the end of the novel, the Hate Crimes Unit is closing  – is this the end of Zigic & Ferreira?

Real Tigers by Mick Herron. In which someone has kidnapped Catherine Standish to try to get the Slow Horses to steal some files from MI5 in return for her release. As ever with the internal machinations of MI5, there are wheels within wheels and the double-crosses come thick and fast.  In this one, the body count went up a bit as well, with a splendid shoot out. On balance, I think you’d want Jackson Lamb on your side. Just not close enough to be able to smell him or let him steal your food. He does get all the best lines, though: ‘Mind like a razor. Disposable’.

Daughter of the Wolf by Victoria Whitworth. This got onto my list after a glowing review in The Sunday Times, so I was very pleased to find it. I really hope it’s the start of a series, because it felt like a story that had further to go and I found it absolutely engrossing. The premise isn’t that unusual – local lord goes away leaving untried daughter to rule for him – but the setting is pre-Norman England so the historical elements are really interesting.

And some others.

Finally, as I said to Mr W, I’ve struck audiobook gold with A Dance to the Music of Time, narrated by Simon Vance. It’s been years since I read the quartet, but I’m finding it pleasantly familiar. I may swap back and forth between print and audio for the rest, although it’s a great accompaniment to the business miles and means no risk of accidentally hearing any news on the radio. I find Simon Vance’s dry tone is perfect for Nick Jenkins. But ugh. Widmerpool.

In which I set new rules for Christmas

I’m reading a lot of crap about Christmas. It’s all so much: food, expense, hassle, travel, stress. Why are people doing this to themselves? As someone who veers from making some effort to none, I can tell you that there aren’t any rules. At no point do the Christmas Police come round and tell you off if you can’t be arsed to send cards this year and don’t bother with mince pies.

Also, if you don’t visit people, they get over it. If they don’t get over it, they aren’t the sort of people you should bother visiting, so really, it’s a win-win.

So here are my new rules, to help those who appear to be struggling:

  1. You don’t have to send Christmas cards. You don’t need an excuse, just don’t do it. Barely anyone will notice and they’ll promptly forget. You just saved yourself £20 on postage, get a couple of bottles of wine instead.
  2. You don’t have to make anything. If you can afford it and if it saves you time, buy it. Anyone who ‘really prefers the homemade version’ should either learn to make it themselves or shut the fuck up with their passive-aggressive neediness.
  3. You don’t have to go anywhere/see anyone/ do anything if you don’t want to. See above re ‘getting over it’.
  4. You don’t have to have a tree. Of course you don’t. Or, you can have a tree in every room. Whatever. No one counts. Except people with obsessive compulsive tendencies and if you don’t have trees, they’ll probably count something else, so it doesn’t matter.
  5. There is no compulsory Christmas food. None. Supermarkets and magazines want to make us think that a day can’t be special without tree-shaped nachos for dips and bowls of gold coated truffles on every flat surface. This is total bollocks. Think about your favourite food. Great! Is that what you’re eating on Christmas Day? If yes, awesome. If not, what the hell happened?
  6. What to wear for the Christmas party. Much like ‘how to get a bikini body – put a bikini on your body’, the answer to what you should wear for a party is whatever the hell you like. Ok, if the dress code is likely to be strictly enforced you’ll need to give it a passing nod. Or, skip the do entirely (this is something else that is perfectly acceptable). Otherwise, wear whatever will allow you to enjoy the evening without feeling underdressed, overdressed, too fat, too thin, or too uncomfortable on heels that are 2 inches higher than you usually wear. The shops are full of lace and faux fur and pleather and metallic mid length pleated skirts. Unless you genuinely like any of that stuff and expect to wear it on at least three more occasions, fuck it.

Am I being massively hypocritical and saying all this, while privately going full on Kirsty whatserface and knitting my own tree? Not really.

I have:

  • Ordered a 6ft tree
  • Baked a Christmas cake for my sister
  • Decided to bake cookies for colleagues instead of giving out Christmas cards
  • Written some of my cards (last year I didn’t do any)
  • Already made a trial batch of mince pies, with home made mincemeat. I’m not sure I can be arsed to make any more, though.
  • Dodged both office Christmas parties

I will be:

  • Spending Christmas Day on my own, having politely weaseled out of the family get together by saying ‘Are you fucking mad, I’m not doing that?’
  • Not bothering with Christmas lunch. I might make roast butternut squash soup, though. Or just a cheese, apple and crisp sandwich, with a good cup of tea, and a couple of Jaffa Cakes for dessert. That’s one of my favourite meals.
  • Going for a Boxing Day walk. Unless I’m hideously ill, as I usually am.

Because it’s all about balance. There’s a lot of Christmas. It is much. The way round that is you just choose the elements you want and sod the rest.

On money

Not that I’ve ever had any, because one of the few skills I have is allowing it to trickle through my fingers like sand. For a few years there I did manage to watch my expenditure and acquire savings. But then, with my own connivance, the to-be-ex-husband got the lot, and it’s been simply too disheartening (not to mention impossible seeming) to start again. Anyway, I have no willpower and although I’m sure the future will happen at some point in the, er, future, right now there’s Blackwells, Hobbs, Jigsaw et al competing for my willing attention.

(On a side note, when I started hanging out with the GOM, my friends were all ‘Be careful!’ Of what, exactly, I wondered? Heartbreak? Been there, done that, survived. Financial disaster? See above. The worst threat at the moment appears to be kitten-napping.)

This kind of precariousness is fine when I only have to worry about me and the cats all ultimately living off cat-food and huddling together for warmth. At least two of us would be happy, and I’d still have great shoes. However, it doesn’t quite cut it in a joint household with joint expenditure. Unfortunately, money management bores the living crap out of me. It’s all numbers and detail and restriction, and I can’t help my mind sliding away and thinking about more interesting things.

Consequently, we have agreed that I’ll outsource the lot to the GOM, who is simultaneously shocked at finding himself in the position of being the grown up and almost driven to weeping by my genuinely baffled ‘It’s only 50 quid’ attitude. I’m not quite sure of the details (and, let’s face it, I don’t actually give a toss), but there’s some correlation between spending less on a cell phone package, and spending more time in Italy. An attempt was also made to explain compound interest to me, but my eyes glaze over by the time you get to ‘comp…’

I know this isn’t very 21st century independent woman of me. I don’t give a toss about that either. It’s not a gendered thing, it’s a being very lazy thing. If I can hand over the appropriate amount of money each month and never think about the electricity bill again, I regard it as a huge win. It makes my life better. Oddly, I’m quite happy to keep the Blackwells account; but then, that is a sign of money well spent and not pissed away on practicalities.

 

On getting stuff done

This pay month (I get paid on the 21st) has already turned into the month of being mega-broke, due to an unfortunate coincidence of necessary expenses. None of which are shoes. I’m taking a few big hits, some expected (car tax, cat flap being fitted, wine delivery), some not (oil delivery) and then I decided that since I was going to be skint anyway, why not deal with all the annoying outstanding chores and their associated expenses too?

So that’s what I’m doing, and it feels pretty positive. I’ve had items on my personal ‘to do’ list for days, weeks and months. After a while, I tend to stop noticing them or their effect in any specific way, but gradually they cluster together and start mobbing me.  So I’m suddenly aware that a bunch of stuff needs dropping off at and collecting from the dry-cleaners, because my wardrobe has reached a near-critical status; my iPhone has gone past the point where the smashed screen is usable; I ran out of firewood immediately before the last cold spell but just didn’t get around to ordering a load. The cats need worming, I’ve got two bookclub books to obtain, my fridge is empty (and needs cleaning) and let’s not even talk about the bodywork required on the car because I scraped it along a wall getting into my new parking space near the office. Oh yeah, and my lingerie drawer is a tragedy of tired lace.

Ok, so I’ll probably hold off on those last two items, but the rest? Done, in progress or in plan for the weekend, and as usual with the tasks that I put off dealing with, none of them were remotely time consuming to tackle. I even moved the firewood that was delivered yesterday and stacked it in the woodshed before it had chance to become another undone task on the list (not to mention soaked through in the rain).

Why does procrastination make small chores assume giant proportions? Even while I know something will only take 10 minutes, I still let my mind tell me otherwise. Then the time I spend in the loop of  ‘I ought to have done that’ is way more than if I’d just gotten on with it in the first place. I’ll definitely be broke, but given my ability to let money drip through my fingers without knowing where it’s gone, that’s more usual than not. At least this month I’ll have nothing on my to do list to show for it!